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Janeway...Naked...In a Tub

A song runs through my mind as I contemplate a question about Star Trek:
Voyager.  Sing it to the tune of the theme of the TV show "Cops":

Dull boys
Dull boys
Don't they make you snooze
Voyager's main men
Don't do IT for you

Why is it, I wondered, that a show which so blatantly sells itself as an
exercise in testosterone poisoning (see ANY Trailer Talk) has the most
dull leading men in recent history?

They've established the women as vibrant characters from day one.  Janeway (who is NOT crazy - see issue 2) is portrayed as a brilliant scientist, skilled diplomat, fearless leader of Starfleet officers, sexy lady (see "Janeway is Hot" - issue 4), and just general all around kick butt
one-hell-of-a-woman character.  She's constantly being discussed in the
newsgroups in some way, there are many TV interviews of the actress who portrays her (Kate Mulgrew), TV Guide has had several articles
about Janeway and Mulgrew is a big hit at any con she appears at.

Seven is a no brainer.  She was a major thing before the first time Jeri
Ryan (the actress who portrays her) ever stepped on the sound stage to
film an episode.  Heck, just seeing Seven walk down a corridor is a
vibrant experience for the audience, ya know?

B'Elanna Torres (Roxanne Dawson) had the greatest potential, in my
opinion, of any of the minor characters to be utterly fascinating and
endlessly entertaining.  Not only did that not happen, but she rarely
shows up at all in an episode for more than one or two throwaway lines.
She may have even fewer episodes devoted to her character than Tuvok.
BUT, what is the word probably most often used to describe Torres?
"Fiery!"  I dunno about you, but that doesn't evoke the feeling of a dull
character to me.

There's no question that the women, Janeway, Seven and B'Elanna are
vibrant, dynamic characters.  If there's a big gun to be hefted, it's
going to be them.  If there's a brainstorm to let loose, it'll come from
them.  How often have we seen Janeway strip down to her sweaty tank top, kicking butt and taking names?  Or B'Elanna stripped down to her tank top, wrestling an engineering problem to the ground?

(Mmmmmm. . .tough women in sweaty tanks. . .stop!  Got. To. Get. Back. To.
Subject. . .)

Okay, onto the men of Voyager.  Janeway's first officer, Chakotay, is
played by Robert Beltran.  What does Chakotay do as senior executive
officer of a Federation Starship?  He stands patiently on the bridge at
Janeway's side and does what she says (mostly).  He brings reports into
her ready room.  He sometimes trades quips with Paris.  (Dorky,
forgettable quips.)  He goes on away missions and takes home videos (In
the Flesh).  Are we to the exciting part yet?

In the newsgroups, he is often referred to as "Wood Boy" and "Chuckles".
Neither is a term of endearment, and the terms are used by both gay and
straight viewers.  The first term, I believe, is a reference to a negative
audience opinion concerning the actor's expressive nature - like that of a
cigar store Indian.  I'm not sure where "Chuckles" came from, but I'm
speculating the second half of the phrase would be "The Clown". Beltran
seems like a nice guy, from what I've read in the con reports, and I've
also read that away from Voyager he's an accomplished actor. 

Although, consider the end of Unimatrix Zero.  What depth of feeling was
shown when, after losing Janeway, Tuvok and Torres to the Borg - The Borg! Chakotay hates the Borg! - he tells Paris to turn around and run away? Did anyone go, "Ooooh," or "Aaaaah"?  Did anyone do more than briefly raise an eyebrow and mutter, "Huh.  Wonder how Janeway gets out of this one next year."  Remember the last time we saw a starship captain
assimilated by the Borg?  Did the hair stand up your neck like it did
mine when Riker uttered the last line of that season?:  "Fire."

So why is Chakotay bland?  I don't think it's all Beltran's fault because
. . .well, take a look at the other guys.

For all the setting up of Tom Paris as a galactic Bad Boy, he's settled
into couch potato wedded bliss.  Much has been made of the acoustical
nature of B'Elanna's sex life with Paris, but we've never seen anything
onscreen between them beyond something more closely resembling siblings. (I mean, come on!  We've seen Torres and Chakotay in bed, but not Torres and Paris?)  When his video game crashes, Arachnia (archly played by Janeway) saves the day.  Yeah, that's real he-man stuff.  ("Mommy! Mommy! My toy broke!")

Harry Kim is a likable fellow, though six years later he's still a boyish
ensign.  How?  He's the only one of the lot who sleeps around.  But
doesn't A Look from Janeway still melt him like a puddle on the floor?

Tuvok is Vulcan.  It goes without saying he's boring.  He might have
managed fascinating, like Spock, but that never happened.

When did the men of Voyager lose it?  I think it began with Chakotay in
the episode Resolutions, where he and Janeway are stranded, alone on the
Delta Quadrant equivalent of a desert isle, with all the amenities of
home.  The first thing he does is build his captain a bathtub so she can
soak away her cares.  The first thing she washes off is him, apparently.
Picture it:  Janeway. . .naked. . .in a tub.  Are you enjoying that as
much as I am?  Well then you're enjoying it more than Chakotay did. Anyone
who can give up that vision with merely an embarrassed look is a total
loser, in my book, and I think that's how the Voyager fans began to feel
about him, too. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike these guys.  But I think they're
boring.  It doesn't even matter why - whether it's the writers or
producers or actors. . .whatever.  If there's a scene where Chakotay,
Paris, Kim & Tuvok are talking, fighting, even mud wrestling, I'll be
watching the women characters standing nearby because they'll be more
interesting.

So could it be the lesbian thing, I wondered?  Maybe I was just being
overly biased.  Recently there was a discussion on a mailing list
comprised mostly of bi-sexual and lesbian women, most of them at least a
decade younger than me (sigh).  We were talking about men we find sexy who - theoretically - floats our boat.  The lucky skippers ended up being two types:  butch and femme.  Big shock there, huh?  Lesbians tended to prefer the butch guys, like The Marlboro Man and Harrison Ford, while the
bi-sexual women tended to prefer more "feminine" men, like Cary Elwes
(Princess Bride) and Leonardo DiCaprio.  The discussion was both
enthusiastic and positive. . .no guy bashing to be found.  (Man, the
lesbian times, they have changed since I was a pup.)

On Voyager, the equivalent would be Chakotay - definitely butch - and Kim
- not quite femme, but more effeminate.  So, these are the kind of guys we
would be most interested in sexually if we were so inclined, right grrrls?
Grrrls?  Grrrls!!  Wake up!

To test my theory that it isn't just because we're lesbians and bi-sexual
women that we find Wood Boy (et al) no fun to watch, I used this article
as an excuse to meet with one of my favorite people for lunch and quiz her
about the subject (and gossip and other such fun talk as well, of course).
The following is a much cleaned up version of that talk:

Alternative Quadrant:  On behalf of all the readers of the AQ, thank
you for talking to us today.

Straight Friend:  No problem.  It's a cool subject, and hey, I get a free
lunch out of it.

AQ:  Really?  Who's paying?

SF:  *significant look*

AQ:  Oh!  Right, then.  *checking wallet*  Okay,  I think we should have
some basic questions to start. . .you know, establish some parameters
since the readers don't know you.  Ready?

SF:  Shoot.

AQ:  Do you watch TV on a regular basis?

SF:  TV and sleep are my favorite pastimes.  Some shows let me combine the
two.
 
AQ:  What shows are your favorites?

SF:  I like fantasy and sci-fi shows, mysteries sometimes, the occasional
sitcom.  Favorites include Early Edition, Now and Again (which the rotten
network cancelled), Xena (but only occasionally nowadays), X-Files
(monster of the week, not mytharc episodes), Poirot mysteries, Columbo
mysteries, and Frasier.

AQ:  Except for the first two, you like some good stuff.(SF: *raspberry*)  What are some of your favorite lech objects from these shows?

SF:  Lech objects?

AQ:  Yeah, who "floats your boat"?

SF:  I really used to enjoy Saturday nights when Early Edition and The
Pretender were back to back; I called it my "studmuffin" line up.  And I
love Mitch Pileggi on the X-Files. 

AQ:  Especially if it's Skinner in his skivvies.  *snicker*

SF:  You got it!  Hey, I'm all for eye candy, but if the character's
intelligence, kindness, integrity, or sense of humor touches me, then I
can be very attracted to some very ordinary looking actors.  For example I
thought Jonathan Banks, who played Vinnie's supervisor on "Wiseguy", was
tremendously attractive - and he's a balding, snub-nosed little guy in
wire-rim glasses.  The character he played was emotionally complex,
cunning, courageous, wry...in short, beautifully written.

AQ:  Oookay.  I think I've heard enough on that subject.  Do you watch
Voyager?

SF:  Yes, although that is sometimes one of the shows that combines both
my favorite pastimes!

AQ:  What do you think of the male characters?

SF:  Are there male characters on that show???  Hmm.  I do remember a
couple of actors standing around...those must be them. 

AQ:  Can you even name them? 

SF:  Sure, I can do that.  I'm a fan of the show.  There's Chakotay, Kim,
Paris, and the Doc.  I like the Doc a lot, though I wouldn't say he
"floats my boat".

AQ:  Tuvok?

SF:  Oh no!  I completely forgot him!  How embarrassing.  Let's face it:
as far as eye candy, for me they don't measure up.  My quick test: if he
took his shirt off, would I go "oh yeah!" or "oh yuck!"  Kim still has
baby fat; Paris looks like one of those skinny, pasty-skinned guys without
a hair on his chest; and Chakotay...well, I can only hope that shirt is
painted on, because I don't even want to go there imaginatively.  I will
admit, I do have a soft spot for the Doctor, because I've got a thing for
bald guys.  And as far as emotional complexity and depth to attract me, to
think "here's a guy I'd want to share some pillow talk with," sorry, it
just isn't there.  Kim is a baby; Paris acts like a baby; and Chakotay has
all the charm of a paperweight and just about as much impact on the
plotlines.  Again, the Doctor is ahead of the pack, having more screen
time and more interesting issues to cope with as a hologram, but he's a
testy little cuss most of the time, and that clipped, pedantic delivery he
generally uses is not cuddly. 

AQ:  Do you have any idea why the guys are so dull?  Do you even think the
guys are dull?  Maybe I'm seeing ghosts, here, ya know?     
                                                                               
SF:  I don't think you're seeing ghosts.  They ARE dull.  The women who
think they aren't dull are probably dull, too!  And it's a very
interesting question to ask: why?  What makes a dull character, and why
should a writer/producer/director make those choices to create a dull
character? And from a gender perspective, why make the male characters
here dull and the female characters not dull? 

AQ:  Well what do we know about the guys?

SF:  Not bloody much.  Chakotay used to show a spiritual side, but they
even managed to make that part of him dull as dirt and eventually the
makers of the show dropped that.  Kim plays the. . .what, the clarinet?

AQ:  Yeah, catchy tunes, mostly.

SF:  *snort*

AQ:  Not much character building with the guys.

SF:  No, there hasn't been.  There's no angst, no real hardships for them.
Heck, they're all good buddies now, even though they were originally
intended to be at each other's throats for various reasons.

AQ:  Have we considered that they may have been made boring on purpose
because Janeway's a girl?

SF:  Come again?

AQ:  Well, maybe they thought she couldn't hold her own against guys, and
they wanted to build up this first female Captain, and they ended up
doing it at the expense of the guys.

SF:  Oh, that is such a hack choice!  How can they create this lovely
strong woman character and then not test her by playing her off other
strong characters! 

*much ranting about TPTB*

*much soothing down of the interviewee on the part of the interviewer*

AQ:  So, we can safely conclude you think that that would be a stupid
thing to do.

SF:  Don't get me started again.

AQ:  Moving on. . .  Is there any "chemistry" between any of the men and
women characters? 

SF:  *momentary blank look* None that I've ever noticed.  Even B'Elanna
and Tom Paris are boring together, and they're supposed to be a couple.
Forget about Chakotay and Janeway, though I did for a while think they
might be neat together.  Did you see "Resolutions" the other day?

AQ:  *laughing* Yeah, and I'll have a few things to say about it in the
column.  Don't ask, cause you don't want to hear it.

SF:  I think that, historically, Voyager has had a dearth of bad guys for
anyone to play off of. That could be a contributing factor to the problem.

AQ:  That's a good point.  How can characters be interesting if they don't
have anything exciting to do?  Let's see. . .there were the Kazon and the
Malox.

*much laughing about the "dire evilness" of the dumbass Kazon*

SF:  Malon, not Malox.  They were icky, but not evil or threatening.  Were
there even any other bad guys?  I think Original Trek is the only show to
come up with memorable, dangerous-seeming bad guys.

AQ:  Next Generation had the Borg.

SF:  Oh, and they're scary now.  Does Janeway get threatened with a
weekend of "Borg Club Med" next?

AQ:  How about the Vidiians? 

SF:  Yeah!  They were really scary.  But they're long gone, now.

AQ:  They only wanted Torres, anyway.  Even the Vidiians didn't want the
guys!

SF:  What does that say about the worth of their parts?

AQ:  *shocked totally into silence by this kind of talk from her friend*

SF:  I'm sorry to say this, but it's getting late.

AQ:  Yeah, I have to go back and pretend to work, too.  So, summing up,
we've decided that the Voyager guys are dull, and it's more the
fault of the producers of the show (writers and directors) than the actors
themselves, though they're not entirely without blame.

SF:  That's right.  I think the list would go, one, lack of good
backstory, two, they don't do anything interesting, three, they either
have no relationships or their relationships are boring, four, there's no
conflict either amongst themselves or with outside forces and five, I just
can't relate to them, personally.

AQ:  Did we cover that last one?

SF:  No, but I threw it in anyway as I thought of it. 

AQ:  You are too smart for me.

SF:  Yes, aren't I?

*much girl giggling for a moment*

AQ:  Thanks again for talking to us today.

SF:  You're quite welcome.

So there you have it, everyone.  The guys of Voyager are boring, and it's
no one's fault and everyone's fault.